Alchemy Revisited

You may have heard of the famous fairy tale about the elf/grinch/monster named Rumplestilskin who could spin straw into gold. At $1,800 an ounce, I’m sure he would be a pretty popular guy nowadays. Unfortunately, no one has ever been able to do this. Even if they could, frankly, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I can do things much more wondrous than that.

Last night, I ate piece of cake. Actually two pieces of cake preceded by a plate of meatballs and spaghetti and a bowl of lettuce and tomatoes. I changed the whole thing into flab. (I’m not sure that’s the technical name for it but I could show it to you if you like). Actually, I’ve been carrying it around on me for quite some time already. And I did all that simply by doing - nothing.

My brother has a neat trick. He uses his skin cells from right below the surface of his epidermis and changes them into long, flowing, blonde hair. He doesn’t do it as much as he used to, at least in the front of his head. I think he forgot how.

My wife has a real talent. Each time one of my children is born, she begins changing her blood into milk. Not all of it, of course, just where its most useful. She starts off slowly but after two or three months, she’s in full swing. She can even produce a thirty minute supply as soon as its needed. She’s succeeded in changing all my kids from crying babies into, well, whining teenagers. Not only that, my kids take that milk and change it into flesh and bones and muscle. I think they use the same process that I use but they haven’t yet perfected how to turn it into flab. That’s okay, they’re still young.

I don’t think my family is the only one getting into the act.  I understand that everyone does this stuff. Not only people, but animals do this also.

The cows I know (and I know quite a few) eat grass and change it into meat, milk and leather. That I KNOW I can’t do. I have no idea how THEY can do it. I also can’t eat grass and hay and change it into wool the way lambs do. Not that I’m jealous, but it would be a whole lot cheaper than paying for a wool suit or coat at Macys or Bloomingdale’s if I could grow my own wool.

There are dozens of transformations that are just as miraculous as changing straw into gold. Food to flab, skin to hair, blood to milk, milk to leather, grass to wool - natural, everyday miracles.

Next thing you know they’ll be changing Democrats into Republicans.

Well, maybe not.