Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis

Believe me, Rebbetzin, my parents are no more Jewish than my boyfriend. He is
a good hearted, kind individual, with all the characteristics of what my
parents consider a "nice Jewish boy". The real reason that my parents are
opposed to him is because they are worried what people will say. They don't
really care about my happiness, but what others will say and how this will
reflect on them.

I cannot see any difference between being Jewish or gentile, we are all
created by God, and therefore we are all brothers. My parents never gave me a
Jewish upbringing so why should I care?

I have reached the point where we are about to announce our
engagement--unless you can show me a reason not to.

I have no respect for the hypocrisy around me.

Yours Sincerely,

Jewish in Name Only
Boston

Dear Jewish in Name Only,

While it is true that your parents have failed to give you a Jewish
education, their negligence does not exonerate you from YOUR responsibility,
nor does it permit you to walk away from your people. There is no
justification for abandoning your faith, your people or your God. Understand
that by opting for intermarriage you are bringing your family's Jewish
existence to a close after thousands of years.

Nevertheless, I can comprehend your feelings of resentment at having been
deprived of a Jewish education. Judaism has never been made meaningful to
you....you have never been challenged by its majestic call. Therefore, it is
understandable that you feel apathetic, if not hostile, to your faith. And
so, under the circumstances it would not seem realistic to demand that you
sacrifice the man you love for a religion which is unrelated to your life.

We must, however, confront the truth: you belong to a generation of American
Jews who have been short-changed. although you have been given every
educational and material opportunity, you have been Jewishly deprived. You
were raised in a spiritual wasteland....in a vacuum. Your contacts with
Judaism have at best turned you off, and at worst, provoked you to disdain.

whenever I visit a high school or college campus I am confronted by young
Jews who are articulate in every subject but their own....Young Jews who are
experts in investment banking, computers and the sciences....who are senstive
to the nuances of music and who are at home in the arts and culture. Yet if
confronted with the most elementary questions about spirituality, Jewish
thought, the Bible or the Talmud--they remain totally inarticulate. We have
become a people who suffer from amnesia; a people without a past, without a
memory.

In order for you to comprehend the magnitude of your loss you must first gain
some awareness of that which you once possessed. But you sadly lack this
awareness. Therefore as I see it, the problem at hand is not so much to
persuade you to give up this relationship, as it is to open your mind and
your heart to your own glorious history and destiny. Once you comprehend this
then forgoing intermarriage will be a natural byproduct of your newly gained
insight, for it is impossible to be knowledgeable of Torah and at the same
time remain impervious to its mystical call.

And so, my friend, while I can empathize with your apathetic state of mind, I
cannot condone it, for YOU ARE A JEW, and you have a responsibility. Before
you relinquish your heritage, before you give up the faith of your fathers
and mothers, you owe it to yourself to discover your roots: to probe your
history so that the decision you ultimately make will be one that is informed
and intelligent rather than one based on ignorance and default.

Yours,

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Dear Jewish name withheld,

Obviously, you did not ask to be born Jewish. There is a mystical component
to your Jewishness that transcends all logic. It is in your core and psyche
and is part of the very fabric of your being. Your Jewish roots go deeper
than you realize--to the depths of your life force. To deny those roots is to
deny your very essence. To activate those roots is to energize your very
existence and purpose in life.

In the course of a lifetime, many mistakes are made and most can be
rectified. Some mistakes, however, are irreversible and cannot be rectified.
The dilemma you are currently facing falls into this second category. It does
not involve only marriage. Rather, it concerns your personal destiny; the
survival of your people and ultimately your accountability to the Creator
for your potential--and what you did with it. For this reason I urge you not
to act in haste--you must give yourself some time to discover and uncover
your own roots--your Jewishness--your heritage. Take some time to rad and
study the wisdom and depth of the Torah-the blueprint of Creation. And make
contact with those who have been faced with this dilemma and benefit from
their experience.

Deep down in your soul you know why your parents are "heartbroken". They are
not really concerned about "what the neighbors will say." There is much more
at stake-and you know it.

To Jewish parents the marriage of a child to a non Jew is devastating because
it means the end of the line of the heritage and history they were given by
their parents. It was a golden chain given to them as a legacy and they want
so much to keep the chain alive. It was entrusted to them --this 3000 year
old family heirloom--a tradition of values...and now it's future lies in
doubt. Your parents, due to their limited Jewish background are unable to
articulate exactly why they want you to marry Jewish--but they know
instinctively that for their family to survive as Jews , their daughter must
marry a Jew: to keep the flame of Jewish tradition, values, law and custom
alive.

Think about your roots and how you are the custodian of these epic values and
traditions.
You know the value of a Ming vase and would try your best to preserve it
because you can see and sense its tremendous value.

My dear friend-you have within your very being something much more valuable
than a priceless Ming vase. You may not even be aware of it. But you owe it
to your own identity to look into your heritage and to evaluate the value of
your Jewish identity before you lose this very real and intrinsic part of who
you really are. It would be a shame for this part of your identity to remain
dormant--and never know its true depth and beauty. Don't deny your identity
its own potential for fulfillment. I suggest you call the local Aish Hatorah
or Ohr Somayach branch or other outreach organization in your city and take a
class about Jewish identity. Your parents did not fully teach you about your
identity but you have an obligation to find out for yourself before you give
up your identity and bring to an end 3000 years of Jewish lineage, forever .
Get to know your Jewish self and make an informed decision.

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Book By Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis: The Committed Life

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